Vaccum Out The Vacuum Within

update!

2005-10-03T00:49:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yes I haven't written in ages...I have a shit load of work to do so I thought I should maybe update my blog to avoid that and also to satisfy Vivian who is tired of asking me to update...but i did say, in one of my earlier posts that i may not be keeping up with this thing. Anyway, here goes...

So I woke up today and started my day and then the day went on and it should have ended by now since it's night time, or technically the next morning since it's half past midnight...but yeah so I decided to do some schoolwork - not happening....some blogging-apparently that's not happening either.

I can't blog really. My daily life is either too eventful or too blah to write about. I can't pull something profound or pseudo profound out of my ass to fill up a space. However if something susbtantial or profound does strike me, it would not appear on blogspot, it would go in my journal which is inaccessible to all.

So yeah I've got to find some other way of procrastinating. This isn't quite working out. I doubt if people still visit my page, if you do....why? I am visiting my own page after a year as you can see.

Oh by the way, people who have visited this page during my absence and left comments, Thank You! And seriously though I don't care at all about this page, advertisers must lay off for the following reasons:

(i) it's sorta pointless to advertise on a page that is hardly ever updated and therefore, logically, loses all its visitors eventually

(ii) if you want to advertise on My page, you ask Me and if i allow you, you Pay Me

(iii) it is very cheap to advertise in somebody's comment box starting with "looking at your page we could tell you need...." and then advertise some bullshit institution that no one knows about and therefore does not care about. You give away how lame your nameless "institution" is if you have to resort to comments page advertising

(iv) seriously it won't work...DeVry is viewed as a joke by many and it actually has a name...imagine where an anonymous "institution" stands!

(v) i could rant some more but i'm too lazy....bottom line: you suck! Go Away!

So yeah that's my update. Happy?---->(viv)

Take Care and Goodbye (until i update again...god knows when though)

Just for Vivian ;)

2004-10-27T04:07:00.000-07:00

So i have been promising Vivian for the past couple of weeks that I would update my blog. She even knows the exact date of when i last updated....hehehe....so this is dedicated to her....

This semester has been wayyyyy too eventful.....i don't know where to start.....and most of the stuff i would not want to put up here....

The past couple of days have been sooo emotionally draining....i don't know what to say....i just need to get a grip of my life and need some time to myself...too much has happened in too little time...one of my frenz left school suddenly....not telling who....not telling why...not even telling the gender....a bunch of my frenz and i have been going through too much bullshit....ughghghgh....but in the end of it all i am glad whatever happened happened coz now i have stories to tell my kids....and every experience, good or bad is worth it in the end because we all somehow come out of it rejuvenated....i mean i shouldn't complain....i always nagged that my life was uneventful and bla bla...now that there r "events," i should be satisfied......

All i know is that right now i need time for myself....time to think....time to sleep...time to catch up on work....blah time.... and i know a lot of my friends have been feeling neglected by me and i sincerely apologize for that.....for example ashna and i are used to talking to each other every night for at least an hour....but this semester i don't think i have had even a 15 min convo with her.....same goes for nisha....nisha tried sooo hard to get me to talk...but all in vain....but i promise i will be back....soon hopefully....but at least i saw nisha once this semester and ashna twice.....makes me happy.....

On the other hand one of my frenz from hood feels that we are drifting apart....she was really upset and i tried explaining to her it's nothing personal...she said she understands but she still cried....i can't help that....the typical me would usually fell so bad in this situation that i would instantly forego the idea of taking time for myself.....but today i was strong when talking to her...i didn't catch myself saying "o no....i will bla bla bla".....i know she needs me...but the thing is i need me too...normally i would forego by need for myself and prioritize others' needs....but i guess my need this time is sooo strong that i didn't succumb....i was honest....in fact brutally honest at times and adamant....and i am glad i was....it feels good to be selfish....selfishness is so real.....

I want summer-self back....i was all into my internship....never felt more passionate in my life...i was so focussed and ambitious and .....ughghgh....everything i want to be....i was my ideal self.....wat happened? i guess reality happened....i guess the real slacker hobo side of me took the driving seat.....but it's fun though....not fulfulling....not rewarding.....just plain fun....which is also rewarding in its own way....anyway i am just ranting on and on.....

On a lighter note....last weekend was fun....on friday sebastien drove me anais and julie ro georgetown....it was his friend alex's 21st birthday party....has a lot of fun....drinking, dancing....alex's roommate looks sooo much like matt damon....he is really cool too....we hit it off pretty well....we crashed the night at their place....julie joined 2 couches and made a bed for herself in the living - room....alex and xuan slept on one couch with their heads at opposite ends of the couch...smart idea....i dunno where sebastien slept....anais and i slept on alex's bed...i had passed out on the table.....i don't even remember when i ended up in alex's room....anais must've taken me.....we drove back the next morning....since we knew we wouldn't make it to brunch we stopped at Denny's and had yummy food....then came back to campus....did some work....caught up on sleep....hung out with frenz....went to dinner....then Sarah finally convinced me to go to Ian's costume party at College Park....i was having second thoughts about going coz of my friend suddenly leaving and all.....but Moga convinced me to go and I am glad I went coz if i stayed back I would have broken down...i don't deal well with good byes at all...
anyway...back to the party.....it was at Ian's house.....I asked my friend ashna to come over...she goes to UMCP....Sarah Grant Jason Me and this chic that was sooo annoying....i think her name is caitlin or sumthin drove to Ian's house...we took our clothes there....didnt have time to dress up here since grant promised Ian he would help with the set up, we had to leave early....so we got there, got dressed.....Sarah looked so cute in her Catholic school girl outfit....she tried to be japanese....tried doing the eyes...didnt work...hahaha....but she looked soooo adorable.....i dressed up as a hippy....Jason was some journalist that invented this new style of writing and was a pothead....Grant wasn't thinking of dressing up at all....but last moment picked up some cop accessories.....caitlin wasnt dressed up as anything...everytime i heard her speak she was being rude to someone...piss off....thank god i don't know her.....otherwise i would've blown off on her....anyway so after dressing up grant and i drove to UMCP to pick up ashna....she brough frenz....we all had a good time...Ian spent a lot of time decorating this house...it was sooo cool....awesome halloween decorations....people there were awesome...i bumped into some Hood people i wasn't expecting to see....he had this bar set up in the basement...it was awesome...he brought in this band at first and for the latter part he had a DJ who played awesome 80s music....we had sooo much fun....and then ashna's frenz left but she stayed back....by the end of the night we were all soooo tired so about 8 of us crashed on Ian's huge bed.....Ian was pissed coz there were some random people in there that he didn't know....we tried getting them off the bed earlier but this one australian chick had passed out and would not move....she was so annoying....later Ian came and screamed and pointed out 3 random people who had to leave and she was one of them....i was happy....
Anyway next morning we came back to Hood....my friend was about to leave when i came....was just waiting for the parents to come.....this is what i did....hug, kiss, run....i am sooo bad with goodbyes....and then i came back to my room and slept coz i didn't wanna think about it and plus i needed sleep anyway.....Sarah called me for brunch...i told her i was coming but then i fell asleep again....woke up at like 5 or sumthin....found a message from Daniella....she invited a bunch of us over because her mother was cooking....her mother and her mother's boyfriend came to visit her from germany....and then her bro who's in kansas for a semester of high school was there too and her boyfriend who was visiting her from canada....they were all so nice...it was basically the german house ppl...the frenchies...danny's family and me.....food was GREEAATTT and so was the wine....we had suchchch a nice time...ended up talking pretty late which wasn't such a good idea coz they were leaving early next morning....at least we all had a good time....

Yesterday was pretty blah....the day started with stats...then i thought i would take a nap b4 econ of dev but ended up oversleeping and to my (and vivian's) delight our night class (accounting) was cancelled.....so woke up went to dinner...went to a buncha meetings...cant even remember what....o one was a fashion show rehearsal for the international show with Moga is chereographing....i told him i'd bring some costumes over....i wasn't planning of being a part of it....but when i went there sanjna was like we have to be on stage together to keep up with the tradition...so i decided to be a part of the opening act....roberta wants the opening act to be funky....i have stage fright so i couldn't come up with a pose or anything so i asked her to some me something....she did...i laughed and she said i know u will look stupid like this but u have to do it....so i did the pose with a sexy look on my face...muuuahahahahaha....but sanjna wasn't a part of the opening act....so to keep up with the tradition i paired up with her for the main fashion show and Moga was telling us what to do....of course i messed up being the ugly moron that i am...and my stage fright kicked back in and i told him i wasn't gonna do it....i'll prolly just do the opening act....but we didn't get anything accomplished on monday....most of the people had to leave coz it was so late....we have a meeting 2moro...lets see how that goes.....anyway later that night jane asked if i wanted to go to Denny's coz i told her i was craving thai food....well not that Denny's has thai food but it's food nonetheless....so jane and george came and picked me sarah and kim up....vivian didn't wanna go....so we had a great meal there.....i had mushroom swiss burger with fried and then a warm pumkin pie overloaded with whipped cream:)....came back satisfied....o and moga called while i was there and asked me to bring him food.....and of course i forgot...when i came back i felt so bad....i went to the vending machine and bought him some snacks and a drink and went up to his room....he started laughing as soon as he saw me and said "i knew u'd forget".....so he went to take a shower and then came up to my room....we chilled for a while and he went back and i went to bed....

Today was fine....i woke up....took a shower...finished my Broadcast assignment....went to media history....didn't have anymore classes for the rest of the day so just bummed around.....then went to broadcast at 730....fun class...love the professor....he's so chilled out....a reporter for NBC news.....anyway came back from class went to intl club party committee meeting....basically ola dragged me in...that wasn't so productive either....then went to hall meeting....floor meeting....came back fell asleep...woke up....bummed around....contemplated doing some work...chilled with moga instead then started chatting with frenz, cousin and blogging all at the same time and it's 4 in the morn...shit it's 2moro already!!! i have a 9 o clock class....fun fun fun......

Tigerpass and Batali Hills

2004-08-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

these r pics from tigerpass and batali hills....i am really bored in chittagong so spent a lot of time posting all these pics up....i mentioned these hills why i went there in one of my previous entries....and i got really annoyed coz they wun't let me post any picture without a caption....how am i supposed to come up with so many captions??????

2004-08-17T06:55:00.001-07:00

....................

2004-08-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

random....

2004-08-17T06:54:00.001-07:00

view of tigerpass from batali

2004-08-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

path that leads up to the houseon batali hill

2004-08-17T06:52:00.001-07:00

woods around batali hill

2004-08-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

doesn't it look like the trunk has been super-imposed?

2004-08-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

another......

2004-08-17T06:50:00.001-07:00

carry me away!!

2004-08-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

view of batali hill from tigerpass

2004-08-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

""""""""

2004-08-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

///////////////

2004-08-17T06:47:00.001-07:00

::::::::::::

2004-08-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

neighbouring hills

2004-08-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

:))

2004-08-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

2004-08-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

skkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2004-08-17T06:43:00.001-07:00

roots

2004-08-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

them...

2004-08-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

view from the top

2004-08-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

******************

2004-08-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

another view of the city

2004-08-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

...........

2004-08-17T06:38:00.001-07:00

few of the children from the 40 families that have now found sheltered in this abandoned house...

2004-08-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

view of the city from the hill top

2004-08-17T06:36:00.000-07:00

nice huh?

2004-08-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Tigerpass Hill.... This used to be the railway DIG's residence back in the 60s and 70s....it was built during the british regime though...

Patenga/Potenga

2004-08-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

Pics from Patenga......it's about 40mins away (by car from chittagong city.....

2004-08-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

hmmmmm

2004-08-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

i love this one....looks like it's balancing on the edge of a block.....

2004-08-17T06:09:00.001-07:00

another blah

2004-08-17T06:09:00.000-07:00

just.......u know....blah....

2004-08-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

kutta

2004-08-17T06:07:00.001-07:00

kid selling peanuts in paper-cones

2004-08-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

beautiful isn't it? i wish i could rotate the picture:(

2004-08-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

gorgeous!

2004-08-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

prisoners

2004-08-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

what can i say???!!!

2004-08-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

gasp!

2004-08-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

like i said...i love sunsets

2004-08-17T05:58:00.001-07:00

see how beautiful my country is????

2004-08-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

nice!

2004-08-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

i LOOOVEEEE sunsets

2004-08-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

wooowwww

Cox's Bazar

2004-08-17T05:51:00.001-07:00

these are my pics from cox's bazar...the weather was so horrible that i could hardly go near the sea with my camera....so i had to resort to taking pics from the balcony of my room....a lot of the pics are similar but i couldn't be bothered to sort out....

2004-08-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

hotel lawn....

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ooooooooo

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windy

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i LOVE!!!

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seeeaaaa

2004-08-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

vendors collect sea shells and stones brought in by the tide very early in the morning and make trinkets and other goodies out of them to sell.....they sell sea-shells on the sea shore!

2004-08-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

goodies

2004-08-17T05:42:00.001-07:00

...............

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people....

2004-08-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

abandoned child??!!??

2004-08-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

bhata (low tide)

2004-08-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

jhau bon

2004-08-17T05:37:00.001-07:00

another pic of Jhau Bon

2004-08-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

anotehr view from the balcony

2004-08-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

Hotel Seagull's (where we stayed) restaurant...

2004-08-17T05:33:00.001-07:00

fogged-up lens

2004-08-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

aahhh...another of my my favourites...guess what this is....if you look closely, u can see the waves as thin white lines and what looks like stars are actually raindrops!...this was taken from the deck...

2004-08-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

the deck-resturant i was talking about

2004-08-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

by the way....it wasn't foggy or anything...the AC frosted my lens....

2004-08-17T05:29:00.001-07:00

i love this pic....coz of that one foamy hiccup you can see on the right side

2004-08-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

the sky has fallen into the ocean!

2004-08-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~

2004-08-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

another view of the Jhau Bon

2004-08-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

another one of my favourites

2004-08-17T05:03:00.001-07:00

pweety

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me trying to be cool again....

2004-08-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

tra lala

2004-08-17T04:59:00.001-07:00

a very wet weekend

2004-08-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

waves....

2004-08-17T04:57:00.000-07:00

a lot of similar pics...i know...but i can't be bothered to select...

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.................

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weeeooowww

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just a random pic...

2004-08-17T04:51:00.000-07:00

a closer look at Jhau bon....sorry i dont know how to rotate pics using this program

2004-08-17T04:49:00.001-07:00

wanna go for a walk? i'm dying to!

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an extended part of the beach....Jhau Bon

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lilliputs :)

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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2004-08-17T04:46:00.003-07:00

wow!

2004-08-17T04:46:00.002-07:00

i love the sky in this pic...i realized i am obsessed with the sky

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i love this country!

2004-08-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

anotherrare moment of brightness....and trust me...it was just a moment

2004-08-17T04:44:00.001-07:00

one of my favourites.......:)

2004-08-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

just another pic....

2004-08-17T04:42:00.000-07:00

i love this pic....the path of see on the right is made of sacks...it lies between the hotel and the beach....and the other water body you see is just a puddle though it looks like a pond....

2004-08-17T04:41:00.001-07:00

....

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just me trying to be cool

2004-08-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

a rare moment of brightness

2004-08-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

another....

2004-08-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

Most of the ocean pics are what i could capture from my room's balcony...the weather was so bad...it was drizzling most fot he time so i could not get upclose shots of the ocean :(

2004-08-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep at 4 in the morning and woke up at 1:30 pm only to find that my mother and brother were out without me :( .... so my mom called me at one point and i told her that i wanted to go out too and she came and picked me up ... we went around looking at stores, but there was nothing i wanted to buy....chittagong isn't really the best place for shopping,however it is one of the best places for vacationing...

Any here are my Cox's Bazar, Patenga, Tigerpass and Batali Hill pictures.... it was so hard to take pics at Cox's Bazar coz of the weather...it was raining most of the time...however we stayed at Seagull Hotel and had a view of the ocean from our rooms so i took a coupla pics from there...but i am not happy with what i got esp coz my camera doesn't zoom enough and if i wanted to go near the ocean, my cam would get wet...disappointing..anyway maybe i can get better shots in winter coz the weather would be better....strange isn't it? We went to this resturant in Cox's.... its beautiful...it right by the sea and has a deck and everything...so i was asking the owner what time of the year is best for their business and she said from november to february....that's when the weather is perfect...neither hot nor cold...sunny and breezy...no rain...imagine planning for a vacation on the beach during that time in Europe or the States!!

and now for the pics...but before that i guess i should mention a little abt the other places...Patenga is a sea beach about 40 mins away (by car) from chittagong city and tigerpass and batali hills are in the city itself...the house on top of tigerpass was the designated residence for Railway D.I.G. a long time ago...when my grandfather was at that post they lived there and my mom was only 6/7 years old...now that place has been abandoned and 40 families live in that one house!! Batali hill is another hill next to tigerpass...that too was and still is, a designated residence for police officers... when my mom lived there she was about 3 years old....

umm.......yeah, BLAH!

2004-08-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

Every other person i know has this blog thingy so i decided to join the bandwagon as well...i guess it would provide me with a platform to vent especially when i want to talk to someone but cannot think of anyone to talk to or when i am simply bored...Maybe i will keep up with it or maybe i will forget about it tomorrow considering how unmindful and blah i am .... one good thing about this is, it would sorta be like a diary that cannot be lost but at the same time it's gonna be accessible to everyone and anyone so i probably won't be giving away too much on this...only a fraction of my mind probably....probably a fraction masked as reality but really unreal 'coz after all it's masked...don't know what i am saying...it's kinda fun to blabber on without thinking about what i am putting down (i am growing to be an expert in that department)...without reading what i have put down...what's wrong with me?? i am being so blah! but it's sorta fun though...sometimes i look at myself with an outsider's eye and i think "tumi emon keno?? eto blah...but i sort of like you"....hahahahaha vain aint it?

Anyway, summer vacation is almost over and i have less than 2 weeks before i go back to the states and start wishing i never came back...i LOOOOOOVVVVVE bangladesh....aagey, it was kinda like a bland sentence embedded in my mind - "i love bangladesh"...it was something i had subconsciously groomed myself to say probably because i felt obligated to say it...but i never really cared to feel it...(hahaha "cared to feel"...squirmy phrasing but i can't be bothered to change it)...it happened especially when i was in Belgium...i went to an international school...i felt very keen to hold myself up as an individual without getting lost in the pool of people from all over the world...i used to get offended and frustrated when i found out all some people new about my country was that it it is prone to floods...but it's hardly their fault considering that's all that's shown by the media and very few people have the time or motivation to look up something that has no significance in their agenda... someone asked me "exactly where in india is it?"...what was worst was when someone asked me whether i was relieved to be out of a poor and obscure country....the question was asked in a very "i'm-sure-you-are" tone...that's when i felt the need to establish my "i love bangladesh" notion...at that point it was not about someone undermining the place but more about undermining the place I was from...it was about me...my ego...nothing to do with my pride or patriotism...but now i feel it....strongly...i spoke about its cultural richness as well as the daily hiccups...i had to show i love this place not because i am supposed to, but because it is actually worth loving...but in reality i wasn't proving anything to them...i was reassuring myself...i felt the need to because i was never in a situation like that before...never before did i have to practice self-love through "other-love"
But now, i truly love this place and i can't wait to come back and do soooooo much....maybe that's why i love it so much...'coz i see so much scope to make myself useful here...i see so many opportunities for self satisfaction... there's so much i can do for it and make myself complete...i see these poor people and i feel love for them...not because they are my fellow countrymen or fellow human beings, but because they are my stepping stones to fulfilment.....i feel a responsibility towards them due to a responsibility towards myself...i feel passion for working for/with them due to love for myself...so i guess what i feel is not love in it's true sense...but then again what is love? who is to define it or decide on it? don't we love people who make us feel good and who feel good 'coz of us? does not a relationship become bland when here is no more to give and take? so i guess it is love in one of its true senses...but "true" is a very ambiguous and dead-beat word...i guess i should just say "in one of its senses"...and i love power...i love thinking "I can do this for you...I can make your life better this way or that way...i know what i am doing and what i am doing is right because both you and i will gain out of it"...i love thinking i am capable (don't know if i am...i just love thinking it).... so i guess i am a very ordinary person....very common thinking....good that i will get lost in a crowd and catch no one's eye...hassle free...bad that i will get lost in a crowd and catch no one's eye....good that i won't have to be me...bad that i won't get to be me...who is this me anyway?

So my future plans - graduate, work here and there - gain some experience, make some money, take psych, philosophy, anthropology, sociology courses while working, masters in either sociology or something else, social work, journalism, pleasure writing, law school at some point and then practising law, world tour,etc (but these don't necessarily have to be in this order).....hmmm pretty attainable... I just wanna move back home with some experience and money and make myself useful!!!!!! O yeah and i have this newly found interest in photography so i gotta pursue that through all this...Oh! and there r a buncha movies and documentaries i wanna make....so yeah.....let's see what happens...maybe i will get married, become a housewife and litter a kid every year....but i just wanna be home!!! i don't know what will become of me!

Whatever....funny how i blabbered away from one topic to the other...there is so much more i can add to this but i am too tired to....it's like a never ending spiral...one thing leads to the other and goes on and on and on and on.....

Oh by the way...i am in chittagong right now...went to Cox's Bazar last weekend....had the best time (details later) and Bandorbon the weekend before.... now i will try to post some pics i took during those trips...feedbacks will be appreciated though i have gotten some from some people already...more is always better....my dad went to malysia 2 weeks back and got me a camera coz i had been whining for one....well, i am really excited i have one now and i wanna put it to best use! to post pics here i had to download some program...hopefully i will be able to post the pics now....if not....o well...

2004-08-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

I am really tired...it's 3:30 a.m. so i will stop with the bandarban pics...i'll post Cox's Bazar, Patenga, tigerpass and batali hill pics tomorrow and also tell you my great weekend story....good night or morning....whatever....